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2026-05-29

Wait, I am actually jealous of some people I know

Disclaimer

• personal
• target audience - strictly myself
• If any of my friends is reading this, no this post is not uniquely talking about you. Like yes, it might be talking about you, but I can list atleast 10 other people it is also talking about, not just uniquely you. Also, as usual, the goal is for me to understand myself better or fix myself in some way, the goal is to not shame anyone online, atleast for me.

Main

• I simultaneously believe the following two statements:
  • Some peope I know do in fact have important and true insights about dating, either how to attract women or how keep them, that I do not know and would benefit from knowing.
  • I am extremely fucking mad at the people I know for not having any important life missions, for not reflecting on their own mortality, for being unwilling to pay upfront any of the social costs (including yes, worsened mental health and/or worsened dating success) required to do anything about ASI risk or more broadly do anything important with their lives.
• These two beliefs are in fact connected.
  • I genuinely believe atleast a non-zero number of people I know are doing motivated reasoning around ASI risk because they correctly predict that there will be significant social costs for actually reaching the conclusion that ASI risk is real and that they should do something about it.
  • I am jealous of some of them having partners and me not having one, because (as per the story in my head) their unwillingness to pay these social costs is one factor that enabled them to attract a partner in the first place.
    • I especially think this way about those with leftist beliefs, but this is not restricted to just them. Holy fuck am I mad at the leftist mind virus for weaponising sex in this way.
• Two comments here:
  • First of all, it is possible this entire thing is a story in my head with no backing to reality. I don't actually have very strong evidence backing the hypothesis "people with true life missions don't get partners easily, people with dumb ass normie ambitions (money, sex, corporate job, tech startup for money) get partners easily."
    • Update - I should compare this hypothesis with way simpler hypotheses like "people with good mental health get partners easily, people with bad mental health don't" or "people with significant social circles get partners easily, people without social circles don't"
    • I am pretty sure if I cross the bridge - if I manage to process my fear of death and forgive humanity for abandoning me to my own death and manage to build a social circle anyway, then this significantly increases odds of me getting a partner.
    • Okay so it's like this, if I pay the cost upfront, of ruining my mental health and losing social circle and so on, I also need to eventually figure out how to regain these things. Maybe? I don't know, I am again rambling theory without data.
  • Second, even if this hypothesis is true, why can't I forgive these people? I picked the stag, they picked rabbit, they played the small game and will get small immediate reward, I will play the bigger game and will eventually hopefully get the bigger reward.
• Lmao even this note ended up around the topic of forgiveness. How do I forgive people who haven't asked for my forgiveness?
• Okay there is a third comment here:
  • I am not sure I will actually win the bigger reward at the end. It is totally possible that I die alone and without a partner and the world ends and that's it. I don't assign 100% probability of success to my own goal of saving the world.
  • Am I okay with this?
  • I am okay dying alone and partnerless if this actually significantly moves the needle on ASI risk. But if I fail to either stop ASI risk or experience true love again, that seems like peak misery.
  • Lol I guess it does take a certain sense of courage to jump in like this, knowing you can truly lose everything. In my head, it is like, ofcourse I have to jump, how can I not, are you fucking nuts just standing at the cliff you have to jump. But from the point of view of an outsider, I can imagine them thinking this is courageous. I don't know. I don't actually know how various outsiders perceive me.

Main 2

• Jealousy means I am comparing myself to these people. Why am I comparing myself to these people? Life is a single player game. These people aren't going to be at my funeral anyway.
• I don't know, I think some of these people have valuable insights inside their head around dating, and I want these insights. Okay so if I want these insights I should ask them for the information, why do I need to be jealous?
• I have flamed hard at some of these people already, don't wanna go back and ask for insights. Plus I anyway know there is plenty of low hanging fruit I can fix anyway, I don't even need their insights to do this, I just need to put in the work.

pause

• Wait I still didn't answer the question of why I am jealous. I don't actually know why I am jealous.

Main 3

• Being around people without any actual life missions is fucking painful for me. Especially men.
• I previously said "I wont meet friends for 3 months." I have already lowkey violated this commitment tbh, I have already scheduled some calls so far this month. Lowkey violated, not fully violated. Maybe I should do even less calls. This is the the problem though, if I tell myself to schedule zero calls, I will schedule three, if I tell myself to schedule max 5 calls I will end up scheduling 10.

• Jealousy is a meta problem, it is far too many simulacra levels high. The actual problem I need to solve here is forgiveness.
  • ugh side note but I have a nitpick with the way LW uses "simulacra levels" as a concept and the way I use "social simulation levels" as a concept.
• Everyone who I thought was on my side has abandoned me to die.
• (One section redacted to protect privacy of people I know.)
• I don't actually want to forgive these people. "You abandoned me to die, you deserve all the hell that is coming your way."
• The extreme version of this claim is "because you did nothing to stop the Machine God, you deserve to be slaughtered by the Machine God. I will enjoy watching you die, as a sort of deep cosmic justice."
• I can forgive people who change for the better. I don't see the point in forgiving people who change absolutely nothing about themselves and ask for no forgiveness.

Why do I expect people to help me?

• It is the expectation that hurts. If ASI is going to destroy my life, why do I expect anyone else to come and save me? I have to save myself, or fail. People are not obligated to help me.
• It is honestly kind of ridiculous how complicated this is.
• But I think I should sit with it anyway, there is probably light at the end of the tunnel.
• Peter Thiel's voice playing in my head, "not the wisdom of crowds but the madness of crowds" and me going "yay"
• Honestly there is also a self-fulfilling effect to claims like this. On one hand, yes, madness is the default, the crowds need no encouragement to be mad. But also, if you keep saying the crowds are mad and the crowds hear you, this actually increases the probability they will continue to remain mad.
  • (Mad meaning not caring about technological progress or more broadly not deeply caring about Anything.)

I'm vaguely worried I might modify these posts because of concerns that I might be influence other people this way. Note to self - do less of that.

Main 4

• (deleted some sentences because religious references)
• Maybe I should actually try inventing new ideology, instead of doing this dumb ass leaking info plan.

Cursed cursed cursed

• People like me are cursed
• Why am I cursed?
• I am violent because you are retarded

Update

This whole frame of thinking about this problem seems wrong. The forgiveness frame seems correct. But the whole dating and jealousy framing seems fundamentally wrong. (I got reminded by some past experiences.)

Why?

• Why is simple. I truly believe that love can transcend even large differences in values. I don't think either believing in ASI risk or not believing is enough to stop you from loving someone. I don't think being happy versus sad can stop you from loving someone. I don't think being in a corporate job versus not can stop you from loving someone.
• I think I need to differentiate people you can love, from people who can fit into your lifestyle. Like, you can totally love someone yet decide they don't fit into your lifestyle, and hence reject them. Maybe they don't live in the same city, maybe you genuinely believe they will be happier finding someone else, maybe they don't love you back, maybe they have to take care of their family and hence have no time left to visit you, or something else.
• Okay so if all this is obvious to me, why is it not obvious to other people? Maybe it is obvious to other people?
• For example, I'm not rejecting anyone because their mental health is bad, why are other people rejecting me because my mental health is not ideal?

I don't know, I think being poly solves everything.

• Romantic relationships are so complicated because they're pair-bonded by default. You want one person to match your values, and match your lifestyle, and match your sex drive and spending habits and need for kids versus not, and 20 other things, because you're stuck with that person for life.
• Imagine I was stuck with my male friends for life, imagine how terrible that would be. What a tragedy of a life poorly spent.
• Like, okay my mental health is not ideal, I can just distance a bit from male friends and maybe get back to them later. They don't need to permanently cut me off and I don't need to permanently cut them off either.
• But with romantic relationships, assuming the whole monogamous pair-bonded shit, cutting off people completely is the only option you have left.
• All this makes sense in my head, but I don't know how to transmit it into the heads of other people.
• Maybe I should try lmao. Like, organise a talk or some shit on here is why polyamory makes sense. Lmao.
• Note to self - this might actually be possible

• I have so many things I want to organise meetups for. But meetups are yet Another One of Those networking problems. ugh.
• Also I will probably be super judgmental of other people's viewpoints and hence they won't open up and it'll be a whole chaos.
• Because I am extremely mad at the world for abandoning me to die, I am incapable of being a good listener or being non-judgemental even for a short period of time.

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