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2026-03-31

I don't trust my friends' judgment when it comes to romantic relationships

Disclaimer

• Quick Note

I don't trust my friends' judgement

• If I look at all my (male) friends accumulated from different social circles and contexts, across multiple years.
  • My friends who don't have gf
    • Some of them don't have gf because they're kinda conservative
    • The other reason they don't have is rude, so I won't say it here
  • My friends who have gf
    • Some of them will openly admit they wanted short-term relationship only
    • Others will say they wanted long-term, but I am inclined to distrust them when they say this. I feel like their relationships will in few years time, blunt their variance, and they'll be forced to choose between either being more normal and same as past self, or leave their relationship.
• In short, I think I am a bad predictor of which of my friends' relationships will survive major life transitions, and I think many of my friends are also bad predictors (despite claims to the contrary).
• Maybe this is an unsolveable problem?
  • Like, a major part of why traditional religions are successful is because they blunt both people's variance sufficiently to build long-term relationships. (And to be quite blunt, even then these relationships often fail.)

I don't even trust my friends' judgement

• I need data
  • I need to talk to more atheists above the age of 35, who have successfully kept a relationship through multiple life transitions.
• Where do I even meet such people?
  • Cold email? Linkedin? lmao
  • Find some event and go talk to people?
  • Networking is so much work, holy shit.
• If I am serious about this, maybe I should put in the work and talk to more people?
• Like, I should either put in the work or shut the fuck up.
• Because yes, all this is a huge amount of work.
  1. Fix my dislike for myself. Who knows how many months or years this will take. This alone can be a lifelong project in the very worst case.
  2. Collect more data on people who are atheist and their relationships survived multiple life transitions.
  3. Finalise which city I will be spending next few years of my life in. I know long distance and stuff is possible, but still, fixing a city to live in will make this problem a lot easier. Finalising this requires me to figure out more stuff in professional life first.
• I don't know man. I think too many people have hurt me in different ways, and now I just operate from a place of high distrust in general. Not everyone who hurt me has been intentional about it.
  • For instance, I could just leave the whole "how to build relationships that survive life transitions" problem unsolved and just get into a short-term relationship. It's possible I learn a lot from this experience.
  • But then I'm like, no, best case is great but worst case is literally all life on Earth gets wiped out because I got distracted by some woman and whatever.
    • This sounds like a fake problem?
    • Yeah no the actual problem is just attention spent pursuing women. Why am I so unwilling to devote any of my attention to pursuing women?
    • I don't know I just seem to dislike hanging out with most people, and this also includes women.
  • There is some deeper reason I am averse to talking to most women, and I'm not sure I understand what it is.
    • I have definitely accumulated atleast some scar tissue from talking to these random women on dating apps about ASI risk. I feel like I need this validated in order to feel like a person, and it's just consistent rejection from the other end.
    • Maybe having some guy friends who actually get ASI risk will help here. If I wasn't so needy about this, I wouldn't feel as hurt being romantically rejected over this. Like, I am okay with romantic rejections, I've been rejected like what, atleast a hundred times in my life lol. But somehow the ASI stuff makes everything worse.

Insert meme

• relationship between me and people at AI companies: "You took everything from me. I don't even know who you are. You will."
• But nah. "Blame yourself, preserve your agency." I will win.

I seem stuck in a Catch 22

• Options
  • I don't seem keen on pursuing and keeping some relationship without actually having figured out the theory better.
  • I don't seem keen on investing time to get more data (such as talking to atheists above age 35, reading books on relationships, etc), so that I can in figure out the theory more. Actually working on ASI risk seems more important, and getting clarity on the work stuff seems like it'll help with the relationship stuff anyway. I will have to invest atleast one month full-time to really get some clarity here.
  • I don't seem keen on staying single for the next few months either. Quiet voice in my head constantly whispering "have sex with hot woman", especially when I go outside and look at other couples lol.
• I have to pick one of these three options. Obvious rational choice. Why am I unwilling to choose?
  • In practice it seems quite likely I will either stay single for next few months, or I will randomly unexpectedly bump into some woman and want to give it a shot. Maybe this is fine? Why is this a problem for me?
  • Like, I am not against dating without having the theory figured out. I am against investing a lot of attention on this problem while I have bigger ASI risk-related shit to figure out. If I could pursue women without investing a lot of attention into the pursuit itself, that would be fine actually.

Note to self

• If you open a dating app, always check:

1. Are you unhappy? If you are sufficiently unhappy, just don't be on the app lol. Any texts you send will reflect that unhappiness.
2. Do you feel like you'll be compulsively sucked into this to the point where you lose something else of value? Such as losing sleep because it's late at night, or using it in the middle of the day when you should have been working, or feel pressure to not stay sober, or anything similar. If you feel you're being sucked in, then again stop.

2026-04-01

Here's a simple maxim: If your marriage has not survived either person making atleast one major ideological transition in practice (not just in thought), then I don't trust your relationship advice. Example - partner was a hindu extremist and is now a muslim, partner was a buddhist monk and is now a criminal lawyer, partner was a sex worker and is now a celibate school teacher.

Otherwise, your relationship advice is probably useful for someone, but it doesn't solve the core problem I want to solve in my own life.

I am willing to accept there's some chance this problem is just unsolveable, and I have to accept I will lose my friends and partner every few years, after every major life transition of mine.

(All this assumes humanity will survive the next 5-10 years.)

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